When it comes to friendships while living abroad, making new friends abroad gets aaalll the spotlight.
It definitely deserves some TLC, but I think we’ve given it so much attention that we’ve forgotten about how painful it can be to move abroad…
And to not have a new group of friends yet and also lose our friendships back home that we may have had for years, if not decades.
I see this happen all the time.
In my nearly decade of living abroad, it happened to me, but I turned it around and reestablished the connection with my friends back home by implementing these five tips.
Let’s jump right into them!
Schedule regular check-ins
I’m all for spontaneous chats, but when it comes to long-distance friendships across different time zones – it’s key to schedule regular check-ins to keep the friendship going.
This doesn’t have to be every week. Heck! This doesn’t have to even be every month. It can be a quarterly phone call. I have a friend who sends her friends back home audio messages via WhatsApp every first Monday of the month and they listen to it whenever they get around to it.
The key here is scheduling regular check-ins in a way that you can be consistent with. This might take some trial & error to figure out what works for you, and that’s perfectly okay! But we can’t expect to maintain friendships with people we don’t prioritize communicating with. It’s as simple as that.
Share your highs & lows
A huge part of female friendship is shared vulnerability. It’s hard to create that safe space to be vulnerable with one another if all we’re doing is sharing the sunny & perfect version of our lives abroad.
Of course, it’s important to assess how safe and comfortable you feel opening up to your long-distance friends about the difficult parts about living abroad.
But in my experience, this is really where the friendship can deepen to new levels you didn’t think possible – when you give your friend a chance to support you through the rocky moments of living abroad, you build mutual trust and a safe place to be vulnerable and messy. AKA, to be human!
Allow for your friendship to change
This one can get a bit tricky, but it’s important to address. When we move abroad, our worldview, perspective on life, and so many other beliefs change. WE change. We just simply aren’t the same person that left.
Part of the reason a lot of friendships with our friends back home fall apart is that sometimes this new version of who we are doesn’t feel like it fits in with our friends back home. Because, well, they aren’t the one that left. We are.
This may sometimes be the case, but before we jump to that conclusion try allowing for you and your friend to see things differently. To have different worldviews. To have different perspectives on life. Maybe your friends from back home don’t share your new worldview and perspective, but maybe you can still connect from shared values.
For example: maybe you’ve changed and have a hard time relating to your friend back home, but they are still one of the kindest people you know. Focus on that, especially if you value kindness and including others, instead of focusing on all the things you no longer have in common and watch your friendship take on a new meaning.
It’s okay for you to change, and no longer see things the way your friend does. You are both growing at different speeds, and that’s okay.
Approach your differences with curiosity & compassion
On a similar note, approach your differences with curiosity and compassion. There is nothing that can kill a friendship quicker than holier than thou vibes. This is the opposite of creating a safe space for both people to be heard and seen.
You will have differences. They will happen.
You moved to a different country, are living in a different culture, and this influences all areas of your life.
Your friend hasn’t moved abroad, so they are not changing internally in this way.
When you approach the way you are changing with curiosity and compassion, you allow it to happen.
When you approach the way your friend thinks with curiosity and compassion, you allow her to just be.
As long as you have shared values, mutual respect and love for each other – your friendship can survive a lot more differences in opinion than you think.
Make space for new friends while living abroad
Lastly, in order to maintain our friendships with our long-distance friends back home we need to make new friends abroad that understand what we’re going through.
The thing is, not all of our friends can meet all of our needs.
Some of our friends have been there for decades, and their presence grounds us in a way others can’t.
Some friends make us laugh until we pee our pants.
Some friends make us feel okay to show our messy, vulnerable parts.
And some friends, especially fellow expat friends, see and validate parts of our experience living abroad that our friends back home just can’t. Not because they’re bad friends or they don’t love us – but rather because it’s not something they’ve lived yet.
Think of this as an entrepreneur making new entrepreneur friends to support each other through the wild ride of entrepreneurship. Or a new mom making mom friends to seek support through becoming a mom.
Both people still have their old friendships, but they also make new friends with people that share their current experience to get the support and understanding they seek.
TLDR
Your friendships with your long-distance friends back home don’t have to fade away just because you are living abroad.
Make it easier on yourself to keep your long-distance friends back home by implementing these 5 tips:
Schedule time to regularly check in. Share your highs and lows of living abroad with them. Allow the friendship dynamic to change as you change. Approach your differences in worldview and lifestyle with curiosity and compassion. Make new expat friends abroad who can support you in ways your long-distance friends can’t.
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